It's fair to say people are intrinsically complicated and I acknowledge how I alternate between extreme opposing ends on various spectrums. For example, I can enjoy being materialistic, living in the big city, blowing money, being pompous and living without regard. Then, I'll flip (and hope to stay on this side) to preferring the seclusion of nature, being alone and amongst a close few, disregarding money and the establishment while being introspective, creative and focused on the wellbeing of others.
There are various other examples but the point is, I'm aware of it. It's recognized people have many sides to their identity. We are not a coin, more like a 12 sided die, and each side of a person may be more prominent at certain times than another.
I'm someone who is intensely sexual, communicative, open, strong at reading people and picking up on vibes. It's rare to come across someone else radiating such qualities so passionately and confidently as a major identity component. What is observed when I come across someone containing such? Most of it has to do with two things: the eyes and posture. These two measures say a lot about an individual. I'm not particular on a certain colour and can gather a lot about a person from their eyes.
This includes: how they blink, how quickly they look around and the depth behind them. A large indicator of self-confidence is if, and how long, they can look you in the eye. This makes one simultaneously invasive and vulnerable. It's no surprise few can do so with intrigue and duration.
Many are too afraid of being exposed, shouldering the baggage of previous heartbreak; cleaving steadfastly to the wrongful application of logical structure to emotion. The attempted logic being: "if I'm not as vulnerable, or less vulnerable, then I won't get hurt"... you also won't find emotional connection, is it worth the price? Such action, ironically, is the cause of said results. The lack of reciprocity should not be surprising as many expect a connection without instigating, in a fleeting attempt to hedge emotional and personal exposure. We aren't nearly self-qualitative enough to make said calls (pun intended). No wonder so many chests hold hearts heavy.
Yet a woman whose posture is held proud, heart outstretched, chin up and a glisten in her smile, draws me inward like a swimmer willingly venturing too close to the edge of a waterfall. Real women are judicious with their hearts, not guarded; there's a difference and they have it clearly defined for themselves.
To me, a woman who is emotionally vibrant, has definitive sexual prowess, exudes grounded identity, moves with intent and grace while able to captivate as equally as she expects to be engaged, is rare. I've only come across one such woman.
A few years back, before the major changes of who I am today started to take root, I met said young woman at work. Within moments of meeting, she asked if I'd like to go for dinner once my shift ended. We met up at this romantic spot called Karen's Wine and Cheese Bar, in Yorkville. While sitting in the back patio, we conversed on intellectual topics and I basked in her confidence, serenity and depth. I remember the night vividly.
One of the most intimate memories I have of her, and overall, was this moment during dinner. We were sitting across from each other while leaning with a tilt. Wine glasses resting in our palms with the aromas wafting upwards. The environment was calm, the sun had set and the ambiance delicate.
Recollection of the conversation has forsaken me, but out of nowhere, she leaned forward and rested her elbow on the table, the top of her hand held out. She silently summoned my gaze, and said in a soft, yet commanding tone: "kiss my hand, Josh."
I leaned forward slightly, drowning in her eyes, suspending movement as the moment sweetened into blossom. She was so unapologetic, so in control, so engulfing. She wore this skin tight dress, a jewelled necklace, had plush lips and short cut hair. Her frame petite, her heels high and her movements greased with tantalizing finesse.
I shifted the glass between hands, gradually outstretching to connect with her palm and fastidiously sheathed her fingers into my hand. I paused, held her gaze, seductively licked my lips and leaned in to kiss her hand as if existence itself would cease the moment I withdrew.
The instant my lips broke contact, our gridlocked stare reconvened. She hadn't moved in the slightest, holding her ground both physically and emotionally. She's one of those girls who look indistinguishably beautiful with a smile or a straight face; either way she'd lock in and pin me down mentally, commanding my resounding attention.
This, this is my kind of intensity. This is my kind of passion. She not only revelled in this state, she reciprocated and words were needed not. This young woman, is the only one whose drawing was so absolute. Like a black hole, her gravitational pull grew stronger with each second I orbited, making it all the harder to resist. But resist, I could not, would not, wanted not. I submitted to such forces and embraced her wholeheartedly allowing myself to be engulfed for her gorging. You can imagine how our subsequent dates went.
With her smile showing utter femininity, in the traditional, Western style, her straight face permitted subtle androgyny including stereo-typical masculine traits such as assertiveness, courage and independence. This all produced a seductive allure, I haven't had the pleasure of experiencing again. She needed no one, she was complete on her own. No, she sought out exclusively for what she knew she wanted and interlaced with her cultural exposure from travelling, produced an aura you can't help but feel each time it's breached.
A philosophy graduate, a poet, a photographer, writer and wine connoisseur; she was ahead of my time and more emotionally developed. She had experience with soft substances which put her mental capacity, intellectual creativity and compassion on noticeably higher planes than I could then fathom.
Unfortunately I didn't fully appreciate her for all she was at the time. I was emotionally working through issues and wish I was where I am now, back then. Long story short, it obviously didn't work out and I claim responsibility. I'd travel anywhere in the world if it meant getting to apologize in person and over dinner. If she's willing, I'd like the chance to see if we align more equally now. If we do not, I would let it rest having closure. Emotional developement has yielded the unintended capacity for me to sustainably operate on the aforementioned planes. This, in combination with additional personal acknowledgements from experience with soft substances, leaves me confident we would synthesize.
The way things ended, and the fact they did, makes the short list of only a few regrets I have in life, and the largest to date. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be. Perhaps the timing wasn't right. Perhaps we will cross paths when it is. I trust I will be ready when, and if, there is such an opportunity.
Last I heard she was in Germany and had plans to spend time in Singapore afterwards. Well, I live in China now, and both are a short flight away. If she is open to meeting again, you'd better believe I'd be on a flight within the week.
Since then, I've pursued girls who are working towards typical trade or certified professions. It's now clear, someone who is creative, philosophical and constantly travelling is more my pallet suiting. I'm not insinuating those pursuing professions don't harbour such character traits. It's simply undeniable such fields demand significant amounts of attention, which surely reduce time spent on my stated preferences.
Iris, I'm sorry for how things ended; I wish they turned out differently. Since the time we spent together, I've changed a lot and for the better. There are many reasons for my move around the world, but I'd be lying if I said the hope of running into you wasn't amongst them. Perhaps one day we can drop acid on a beach, talk about the latest philosophical book your delving, and you can read some of your current poetry. I'm available on various major social media platforms for communication, and hope to hear from you soon!